Well, yes, I've been slacking, so here's a bunch of random thoughts thrown together in no particular order…
As Samichlaus mentioned, the Dear, Dear Abbey Tavern has closed down. Not only did the place serve excellent burgers and perfect Guinness, but after going there week in and week out for years, they actually treated BDF like the rock stars they totally were not. Including occasionally playing BDF songs through the stereo and consistently offering up frosty pints of Guinness "on the house". Hell, two BDF tunes ("Dear Abbey" and "This One's On The House") were directly inspired by the Abbey. And countless other tunes were penned sitting at the tables there, swigging pint after pint. The prototype for the BDF mascot, Swilley, was first scribbled on a half-used Abbey napkin. It was the perfect place to get some food in our stomachs and, more importantly, a nice buzz going before heading to practice across town. And, lest he forget, the Abbey Tavern was the site of the awarding of prizes to Mr. Samichlaus when he won the First Ever BDF Contest. Rumors abound that the legendary practice session that followed is still somewhere in the archives, just waiting to be rediscovered and unleashed on the world…
But, yes, we will miss the Abbey Tavern. And although I have no great sports stories about the place (I doubt Steve would consider witnessing the Scott Brosius and Derek Jeter homers off Byung-Yun Kim there considered "great"), it really is the type of place that will be hard to replace.
Onto sports news… The Contender came to a close last week with a rather unheralded Live from Las Vegas finale. It was on Tuesday night, which seemed kind of random, especially since the regular night for the show was Sundays. The final fight was mostly one-sided, though still pretty exciting. They also threw in the "consolation fight" between the other two semi-finalists, and that fight was pretty good too. Oh, and the fact that they had Sly and Sugar Ray doing color commentary live during the fight just added to the whole thing.. Or was it detracted?... They were AWFUL, often not able to muster up much more than ooo's and ahh's when big punches landed. It was one thing to kind of edit in their comments from the stands during the taped matches. It was another debacle altogether to allow them to actually attempt to give commentary during a live fight. And, after the final fight was over, it seemed a bit odd that they did not even interview (and barely mentioned) the losing boxer. All through the season, they basically spent the last 5-10 minutes of every show in the loser's locker room, getting his thoughts, watching his family comfort him, sometimes even catching them break down and cry as they wasted their chance to "make it." Yet, in the finale, they didn't even talk to him at all. How'd that happen?
That said, the series was wildly entertaining. Sadly, it looks as if the ratings kind of sucked, so it might not be back for another season. But just think of the continued careers of the boxers from this show though. I mean, they were all pretty good (and evenly matched) fighters. It wouldn't be unheard of for one or more of these fighters to wind up with a title shot somewhere not too far down the road. It gives you the kind of background into a fighter as a real person that makes you appreciate them (and maybe even the horribly corrupt and monopolized sport) a bit more. Anyways, if there is a season 2, watch it. :P
And, lastly.. Say goodbye to spring! With Memorial Day comes the unofficial start to summer.. Which means we're closer to football season! I must say though, I'm a bit disappointed with the idiots over at MLB who planned a Memorial Day baseball schedule where neither the Yankees or Mets even played! I was forced to watch the Braves vs. the Nationals and the Cubs vs. the Dodgers. Not exactly riveting games to drink beer to.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
A HUGE Victory for the Yankees
Lest there be any doubt, here at Sportsblog Steves this journalist will give credit where credit is due. I was humbled this weekend, and I intend to write about it here. It was in no uncertain terms a stupendous victory for the Yankees, and I am honored to tell you the tale.
The battle of Gettysburg
The Confederate Army of Northern Virginia was commanded by the great Robert E. Lee. Lee had commanded this army for a little over a year, and was 4-0-1. He had won decisive victories at the battle of Seven days, Chancellorsville, Fredericksburg and Manassas, and fought to a draw at Antietam. He had never been defeated. The Yankees were skippered by General George Gordon Meade. Meade, who along with his favorite steed “Old Baldy” had been in command for three days.
On the first day of the battle of Gettysburg the South entered the town from the north, while the Yankees entered the town from the south. The Confederates had come to the sleepy Pennsylvania village in search of shoes, and were surprised to find John Buford’s Yankee cavalry waiting for them. After several skirmishes northwest of town, the Confederates drove the Yankees back through Gettysburg and into a defensive position on the high ground south and west of the town.
The second and pivotal day of the battle began with Yankee reinforcements arriving to fortify positions along Cemetery ridge. Lee, whose cavalry had not yet arrived, was uncertain of the Yankees strength or position. To the west of Cemetery ridge were two fairly large hills known as “Little Round Top” and “Big Round Top”. Lee deduced that from this position he could have a clear view of the Yankees, so he ordered his subordinate, General James Longstreet to take the hills. However Longstreet took over 5 hours to move his troops into position. By this time the Yankees had deduced the Confederate plan, and positioned several corps into a defensive position atop Little Round Top. Less than 15 minutes after the last Yankee was in place, Longstreet’s troops attacked and a fierce battle ensued. When the smoke cleared, the Yankees had prevailed due in no small part to the bravery and courage of the 20th Maine, which had been places at the far left end of the line and had been ordered to “hold the flank at all costs”.
Lee, who had never truly experienced defeat called the second day a Confederate victory.
On the morning of the third day, Lee decided he would defeat the Yankees once and for all. He ordered Longstreet to prepare a frontal assault on the Yankee center. He would send 12,000 men across a field from the Confederate position at Seminary ridge to smash the Yankees at Cemetery ridge. Longstreet strongly objected, but Lee would have none of it. Lee believed his army could do anything. At 1:00 PM, the attack began. For two hours the Confederates bombarded the Yankees with artillery, in an attempt to “soften the line”, but most of the artillery missed its target. When the Yankee guns, which had been returning the fire grew silent, the ground assault began. It took his troops 19 minutes to cross the field. Within and hour, 6,000 men lay dead or wounded. This infamous attack, forever known as “Picketts Charge”, was the single greatest military blunder in the brilliant career of R.E. Lee. As his troops returned in retreat, Lee was there to meet them. “This is all my fault” he said.
The battle of Gettysburg was the greatest battle ever fought on North American soil. Over 55,000 men were either killed or wounded. Today, the battlefield remains a living memorial to the bravery and valor of those who fought there, both Yankee and Confederate. Statues mark the placement of troops. On Seminary ridge, a statue of Robert E. Lee looks out across the field where Pickett’s charge occurred. From this vantage point you can see the statue of George Gordon Meade in the distance.
I realize that this material is not the typical material you are accustomed to reading at “Sportsblog Steves”. However, I did have the pleasure of visiting Gettysburg this weekend with my father in law and I had a really nice time, and if anyone thinks I’m going to write anything nice about the New York Yankees, you’ve got to be kidding me.
To read more about “Pickett’s Charge” click here; http://www.civilwarhome.com/pickettscharge.htm
To read more about my favorite Gettysburg Heros, click here: http://www.nps.gov/gett/getttour/sidebar/chambln.htm
To read about the most bizarrely named restaurant I’ve ever seen, click here:
http://travel.yahoo.com/p-travelguide-3000515-general_pickett_s_all_u_can_eat_buffet_restaurant_gettysburg-i
The battle of Gettysburg
The Confederate Army of Northern Virginia was commanded by the great Robert E. Lee. Lee had commanded this army for a little over a year, and was 4-0-1. He had won decisive victories at the battle of Seven days, Chancellorsville, Fredericksburg and Manassas, and fought to a draw at Antietam. He had never been defeated. The Yankees were skippered by General George Gordon Meade. Meade, who along with his favorite steed “Old Baldy” had been in command for three days.
On the first day of the battle of Gettysburg the South entered the town from the north, while the Yankees entered the town from the south. The Confederates had come to the sleepy Pennsylvania village in search of shoes, and were surprised to find John Buford’s Yankee cavalry waiting for them. After several skirmishes northwest of town, the Confederates drove the Yankees back through Gettysburg and into a defensive position on the high ground south and west of the town.
The second and pivotal day of the battle began with Yankee reinforcements arriving to fortify positions along Cemetery ridge. Lee, whose cavalry had not yet arrived, was uncertain of the Yankees strength or position. To the west of Cemetery ridge were two fairly large hills known as “Little Round Top” and “Big Round Top”. Lee deduced that from this position he could have a clear view of the Yankees, so he ordered his subordinate, General James Longstreet to take the hills. However Longstreet took over 5 hours to move his troops into position. By this time the Yankees had deduced the Confederate plan, and positioned several corps into a defensive position atop Little Round Top. Less than 15 minutes after the last Yankee was in place, Longstreet’s troops attacked and a fierce battle ensued. When the smoke cleared, the Yankees had prevailed due in no small part to the bravery and courage of the 20th Maine, which had been places at the far left end of the line and had been ordered to “hold the flank at all costs”.
Lee, who had never truly experienced defeat called the second day a Confederate victory.
On the morning of the third day, Lee decided he would defeat the Yankees once and for all. He ordered Longstreet to prepare a frontal assault on the Yankee center. He would send 12,000 men across a field from the Confederate position at Seminary ridge to smash the Yankees at Cemetery ridge. Longstreet strongly objected, but Lee would have none of it. Lee believed his army could do anything. At 1:00 PM, the attack began. For two hours the Confederates bombarded the Yankees with artillery, in an attempt to “soften the line”, but most of the artillery missed its target. When the Yankee guns, which had been returning the fire grew silent, the ground assault began. It took his troops 19 minutes to cross the field. Within and hour, 6,000 men lay dead or wounded. This infamous attack, forever known as “Picketts Charge”, was the single greatest military blunder in the brilliant career of R.E. Lee. As his troops returned in retreat, Lee was there to meet them. “This is all my fault” he said.
The battle of Gettysburg was the greatest battle ever fought on North American soil. Over 55,000 men were either killed or wounded. Today, the battlefield remains a living memorial to the bravery and valor of those who fought there, both Yankee and Confederate. Statues mark the placement of troops. On Seminary ridge, a statue of Robert E. Lee looks out across the field where Pickett’s charge occurred. From this vantage point you can see the statue of George Gordon Meade in the distance.
I realize that this material is not the typical material you are accustomed to reading at “Sportsblog Steves”. However, I did have the pleasure of visiting Gettysburg this weekend with my father in law and I had a really nice time, and if anyone thinks I’m going to write anything nice about the New York Yankees, you’ve got to be kidding me.
To read more about “Pickett’s Charge” click here; http://www.civilwarhome.com/pickettscharge.htm
To read more about my favorite Gettysburg Heros, click here: http://www.nps.gov/gett/getttour/sidebar/chambln.htm
To read about the most bizarrely named restaurant I’ve ever seen, click here:
http://travel.yahoo.com/p-travelguide-3000515-general_pickett_s_all_u_can_eat_buffet_restaurant_gettysburg-i
Friday, May 20, 2005
An unbiased look at the Subway Series
It’s true. I grew up in Queens a rabid Mets fan. My Dad was a Mets fan. My brothers were Mets fans. My Mom was a Mets fan. My best childhood friends were chosen because they were Mets fans. Until the day my Mom left the house I grew up in, a picture of Tom Seaver was taped to my bedroom door (by the way, that was June 2003).
With that said, I plan to prove my journalistic integrity by providing all of our fans at “Sportsblog Steves” an unbiased look at this weekend’s Subway series between the New York Mets and their cross-town rivals, the New York Asscorns.
Let’s break it down position by position.
First Base: Doug Mentkewich, err, Mentkevitch, err, Doug (Mets) vs. Tino Martinez (Asscorns). Big Doug is hitting .220 with 6 dingers and 17 RBI’s in 127 at bats. Martinez is hitting .277 with 12 dingers and 27 RBI’s in 112 at bats. Martinez was named “AL Player of the week” after hitting .391 and slugging 6 home runs in his last 6 games. Therefore, he’s due to cool off. Mientkiewicz (whew) has a really big last name. The extra letters on his uniform create an unfair handicap.
Advantage: Mets
Second Base: Kaz Matsui (Mets) vs. Tony Womak (Asscorns). Japan’s favorite son Kaz Matsui is hitting .243 with 3 homers and 17 ribbies. He’s still adjusting to life in America, which is to be expected. I mean, he’s only been here like a year and a half. Tony Womak is hitting .281, but hasn’t hit any home runs plus he’s lived in America all of his life.
Advantage: Mets
Shortstop: Jose Reyes (Mets) vs. Derek Jeter (Asscorns). Second year phenom Jose Reyes is living up to all the accolades he was advertised with. Hitting a solid .260 with 3 taters and 12 RBI’s, the speedy Reyes has 8 stolen bases to go along with his dynamite offensive production. Jeter, whose sex life has been well criticized by Asscorn’s owner George Steinbrenner, is having another sub-par year batting .319 with only 4 homers and 18 RBI’s. Jeter’s defensive range, calculated to be between second base and three feet to the left of second base is easily eclipsed by the defensive wizardry of Reyes.
Advantage: Mets
Third Base: David (Mister) Wright (Mets) vs. Alex (God’s other son) Rodriguez (Asscorns). The Mets other second year phenom, David Wright, was projected to be an average but solid performer. Who would have predicted the superlative contribution of 7 salamis, 21 RBI’s and an unbelievable .275 average? All I can say is “Wow”. On the other side of the river, A-Rod is proving once again to be the most overpaid man in the game. What does 200 million dollars get you? A .296 average, 14 home runs and 41 RBI’s. If Wright were paid that kind of dough, he’d be hitting (adjusting output to salary) .731 with 86 home runs and 362 RBI’s.
Advantage Mets.
Outfield: Carlos Beltran, Clint Floyd, Mike Cameron (Mets) vs. Hideki Matsui, Bernie Williams, Gary Sheffield (Asscorns). The crown jewel of the “New Mets” without a doubt is the dynamic trio of Beltran, Floyd and Cameron. The stats speak for themselves: Beltran - .296, 6 downtown and 24 knocked in. Floyd - .298, 11 round trips and 28 brought home. Cameron - .386, 4 smacks and 11 touching home on his behalf, all in 12 games. Compare this to the Asscorns: Matsui - .261, 3 HR’s and 36 RBI’s, Sheffield - .318, 6 HR’s and 29 RBI”s and Williams - .238 with 2 HR’s and 14 RBI’s. Factor in Sheffield probably takes steroids and Williams throws like a girl and this one's a no brainer.
Advantage – Mets Mets Mets
Catcher: Mike Piazza (Mets) vs. Jorge Posada (Asscorns). Future first ballot hall of famer Mike Piazza broke out of a slump in a huge way last week going 4-4 against a scrappy Reds team in Thursday’s finale. A hot Piazza sounds like indigestion in 30 minutes or less for the Asscorns. Posada, whose name in Spanish means “Fat, slow and sucky” has 5 home runs and 21 RBI’s this season.
Advantage – Mets
Pitching: With the off season acquisition of Pedro Martinez by the Mets and the loss of Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, David Wells, Ron Guidry, Whitey Ford, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich by the Asscorns, the Mets pitching staff dominates in every statistical category. Not even the acquisition of “The Big Unit” Randy Johnson has made an impact. The unit’s stiff groin has been a constant bother, rendering him virtually impotent.
Advantage – Mets
Intangibles: The Mets are a young exciting team, managed by the most dynamic young manager in the game: Willie Randolph. They possess a “never say die” attitude and a exuberance and passion for the game. The Asscorns are the only team in the history of professional sports to have a fatal disease named after one of their “immortals”.
Advantage – Mets
In the final analysis it is clear to this unbiased observer. To quote the great Bob Murphy “The Mets win! They win the damn thing!
With that said, I plan to prove my journalistic integrity by providing all of our fans at “Sportsblog Steves” an unbiased look at this weekend’s Subway series between the New York Mets and their cross-town rivals, the New York Asscorns.
Let’s break it down position by position.
First Base: Doug Mentkewich, err, Mentkevitch, err, Doug (Mets) vs. Tino Martinez (Asscorns). Big Doug is hitting .220 with 6 dingers and 17 RBI’s in 127 at bats. Martinez is hitting .277 with 12 dingers and 27 RBI’s in 112 at bats. Martinez was named “AL Player of the week” after hitting .391 and slugging 6 home runs in his last 6 games. Therefore, he’s due to cool off. Mientkiewicz (whew) has a really big last name. The extra letters on his uniform create an unfair handicap.
Advantage: Mets
Second Base: Kaz Matsui (Mets) vs. Tony Womak (Asscorns). Japan’s favorite son Kaz Matsui is hitting .243 with 3 homers and 17 ribbies. He’s still adjusting to life in America, which is to be expected. I mean, he’s only been here like a year and a half. Tony Womak is hitting .281, but hasn’t hit any home runs plus he’s lived in America all of his life.
Advantage: Mets
Shortstop: Jose Reyes (Mets) vs. Derek Jeter (Asscorns). Second year phenom Jose Reyes is living up to all the accolades he was advertised with. Hitting a solid .260 with 3 taters and 12 RBI’s, the speedy Reyes has 8 stolen bases to go along with his dynamite offensive production. Jeter, whose sex life has been well criticized by Asscorn’s owner George Steinbrenner, is having another sub-par year batting .319 with only 4 homers and 18 RBI’s. Jeter’s defensive range, calculated to be between second base and three feet to the left of second base is easily eclipsed by the defensive wizardry of Reyes.
Advantage: Mets
Third Base: David (Mister) Wright (Mets) vs. Alex (God’s other son) Rodriguez (Asscorns). The Mets other second year phenom, David Wright, was projected to be an average but solid performer. Who would have predicted the superlative contribution of 7 salamis, 21 RBI’s and an unbelievable .275 average? All I can say is “Wow”. On the other side of the river, A-Rod is proving once again to be the most overpaid man in the game. What does 200 million dollars get you? A .296 average, 14 home runs and 41 RBI’s. If Wright were paid that kind of dough, he’d be hitting (adjusting output to salary) .731 with 86 home runs and 362 RBI’s.
Advantage Mets.
Outfield: Carlos Beltran, Clint Floyd, Mike Cameron (Mets) vs. Hideki Matsui, Bernie Williams, Gary Sheffield (Asscorns). The crown jewel of the “New Mets” without a doubt is the dynamic trio of Beltran, Floyd and Cameron. The stats speak for themselves: Beltran - .296, 6 downtown and 24 knocked in. Floyd - .298, 11 round trips and 28 brought home. Cameron - .386, 4 smacks and 11 touching home on his behalf, all in 12 games. Compare this to the Asscorns: Matsui - .261, 3 HR’s and 36 RBI’s, Sheffield - .318, 6 HR’s and 29 RBI”s and Williams - .238 with 2 HR’s and 14 RBI’s. Factor in Sheffield probably takes steroids and Williams throws like a girl and this one's a no brainer.
Advantage – Mets Mets Mets
Catcher: Mike Piazza (Mets) vs. Jorge Posada (Asscorns). Future first ballot hall of famer Mike Piazza broke out of a slump in a huge way last week going 4-4 against a scrappy Reds team in Thursday’s finale. A hot Piazza sounds like indigestion in 30 minutes or less for the Asscorns. Posada, whose name in Spanish means “Fat, slow and sucky” has 5 home runs and 21 RBI’s this season.
Advantage – Mets
Pitching: With the off season acquisition of Pedro Martinez by the Mets and the loss of Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, David Wells, Ron Guidry, Whitey Ford, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich by the Asscorns, the Mets pitching staff dominates in every statistical category. Not even the acquisition of “The Big Unit” Randy Johnson has made an impact. The unit’s stiff groin has been a constant bother, rendering him virtually impotent.
Advantage – Mets
Intangibles: The Mets are a young exciting team, managed by the most dynamic young manager in the game: Willie Randolph. They possess a “never say die” attitude and a exuberance and passion for the game. The Asscorns are the only team in the history of professional sports to have a fatal disease named after one of their “immortals”.
Advantage – Mets
In the final analysis it is clear to this unbiased observer. To quote the great Bob Murphy “The Mets win! They win the damn thing!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Abbey- seein ya
Today we mark the end of an era in old New York folklore, as I have been informed that the Abbey Tavern is no more. St. Ides broke it to me gently in the following manner: “Oh! And did I tell you the Abbey closed down? It was a sad day in BDF history when Richie Rheingold walked by the place a month or two ago, and it was shut down and the windows were all covered with newspaper. According to (name removed due to vile content), the place has reopened as a trendy yuppie bar with some gay name like "Rumors" or "Twirlies" or "The Spin" or something like that.”
Twirlies???
I spent many a night at the Abbey during my formative years. It was an old traditional Irish pub, where the Guinness was fresh and the lads and lasses who served you spoke with a true Irish brogue. Whether you wanted corned beef and cabbage, fish and chips, or one of the biggest bawdiest cheeseburgers in the city, this was the place to find it. The Abby was the real deal.
I never could tell you exactly where the Abbey was, somewhere near 21st Street and Third Ave., but I could always find it. Once, while working at the now defunct “Computer Era”, I decided to quit and found my way to the Abbey. After a cheeseburger and several “Black and Tans” I came to my senses and returned to my job. I knew it was the right decision. The following week the filthy sons of bitches fired me, allowing me to collect unemployment for nine months.
About a year after I had my heart procedure, I found myself back in the hospital suffering chest pains. After a battery of tests concluded that my arteries had not re-clogged, I celebrated at the Abbey, this time opting for the bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo. I remember thinking it was really nice that the Abbey was so close to NYU. Of course in retrospect I probably should have checked myself into the equally convenient Bellevue after I finished my meal.
When the Knicks went up two games to none against the Bulls in one of their myriad of playoff series in the 1980’s, I was at the Abbey with my cousin cheering them on. I remember yelling “Second City! Second City!” at the Chicago fans at the bar as the Abbey crowd cheered me on. The Bulls, of course, came back in the series to beat the Knicks. I wasn’t around for those games. One interesting aside: The Abbey had a historical attachment to the Knicks. Former head coach Rick Pitino grew up near the Abbey, and frequented the bar as well. The legend has it that Pitino, Hubie Brown and Al McGuire would meet at the Abbey after the Knick games and talk shop, diagramming defenses on the table using salt shakers and ketchup bottles. If you can find a copy of Pitino's book "Born to Coach" you can read about it there.
I loved the Abbey tavern. So it made sense that when St. Ides approached me several years ago and asked if I knew a good bar for BDF to meet near their 23rd Street studio, I recommended the Abbey. Well, the Abbey and “Live Bait” which was a really popular bar in the late 1980’s. St. Ides chose the Abbey and chose well, and in the end the Abbey became a BDF bar. The torch once again had been passed. Now, the stories of BDF’s ability to consume have become legends, as anyone familiar with the band can attest. I hope that my partner in crime takes some time to scribe his Abbey memories on these pages, for I can assure you that his stories are worth telling. But gentle reader, I leave you with this thought: once BDF had comfortably slipped into semi-retirement and were no longer regulars at the Abbey, the doors quietly closed on the old Irish bar and the Guinness flowed no more.
Coincidence?
Twirlies???
I spent many a night at the Abbey during my formative years. It was an old traditional Irish pub, where the Guinness was fresh and the lads and lasses who served you spoke with a true Irish brogue. Whether you wanted corned beef and cabbage, fish and chips, or one of the biggest bawdiest cheeseburgers in the city, this was the place to find it. The Abby was the real deal.
I never could tell you exactly where the Abbey was, somewhere near 21st Street and Third Ave., but I could always find it. Once, while working at the now defunct “Computer Era”, I decided to quit and found my way to the Abbey. After a cheeseburger and several “Black and Tans” I came to my senses and returned to my job. I knew it was the right decision. The following week the filthy sons of bitches fired me, allowing me to collect unemployment for nine months.
About a year after I had my heart procedure, I found myself back in the hospital suffering chest pains. After a battery of tests concluded that my arteries had not re-clogged, I celebrated at the Abbey, this time opting for the bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo. I remember thinking it was really nice that the Abbey was so close to NYU. Of course in retrospect I probably should have checked myself into the equally convenient Bellevue after I finished my meal.
When the Knicks went up two games to none against the Bulls in one of their myriad of playoff series in the 1980’s, I was at the Abbey with my cousin cheering them on. I remember yelling “Second City! Second City!” at the Chicago fans at the bar as the Abbey crowd cheered me on. The Bulls, of course, came back in the series to beat the Knicks. I wasn’t around for those games. One interesting aside: The Abbey had a historical attachment to the Knicks. Former head coach Rick Pitino grew up near the Abbey, and frequented the bar as well. The legend has it that Pitino, Hubie Brown and Al McGuire would meet at the Abbey after the Knick games and talk shop, diagramming defenses on the table using salt shakers and ketchup bottles. If you can find a copy of Pitino's book "Born to Coach" you can read about it there.
I loved the Abbey tavern. So it made sense that when St. Ides approached me several years ago and asked if I knew a good bar for BDF to meet near their 23rd Street studio, I recommended the Abbey. Well, the Abbey and “Live Bait” which was a really popular bar in the late 1980’s. St. Ides chose the Abbey and chose well, and in the end the Abbey became a BDF bar. The torch once again had been passed. Now, the stories of BDF’s ability to consume have become legends, as anyone familiar with the band can attest. I hope that my partner in crime takes some time to scribe his Abbey memories on these pages, for I can assure you that his stories are worth telling. But gentle reader, I leave you with this thought: once BDF had comfortably slipped into semi-retirement and were no longer regulars at the Abbey, the doors quietly closed on the old Irish bar and the Guinness flowed no more.
Coincidence?
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Mr. Whizzard
Now and then from time to time a story comes along that is so absolutely bizarre, upon hearing the story I am left speechless, unable to add any additional humor or commentary beyond the simple “here it is”. Such was the case today when I heard the story of Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, who some from this day forward will refer to as “The Whizzinator”. I prefer the more subtle "Mr. Whizzard".
If you have not heard the story, it goes like this. On April 21st, Onterrio Smith was flying out of the Minneapolis – St. Paul airport when something tripped the security screen. It turned out that the offending item was an innocuous tube of toothpaste, however the search by airport security turned up some interesting items: 7 small bags of white powder, and a prosthetic penis to name a few.
Security ran tests on the powder but could not determine exactly what they were looking at, so they questioned Onterrio who finally confessed. The white powder was dried synthetic urine, and the penis was part of a drug test evading kit called “The Original Whizzinator”. Now, Onterrio claimed that the kit belonged to his cousin and I believe in giving him the benefit of doubt… even if he’s failed several drug tests, so I decided to check out the kit myself. After all, I have a cousin too.
Whizzinators are available on line at www.whizzinator.com. The site’s home page features a cartoon of a burly construction worker with a cocksure look in his eye peeing into a urinal. A doctor looks on. As the construction worker winks, a balloon appears above the doctors head exclaiming “Next”. Pee splashes from the urinal.
The home page goes on to say that “The WHIZZINATOR© is an easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions! The WHIZZINATOR© is designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time! Used with our organic heat pads, it is GUARANTEED to maintain body temperature for EIGHT HOURS! And our quality production and materials assures you that the WHIZZINATOR© will let it flow, again and again, anytime, anywhere you need it!“
With a sales pitch like this, I had to click on the product link. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were several models to choose from: White, Tan, Latino, Brown and Black. Sadly, there was only one size: cold. The pictures showed the proper way to wear the device, and also compared the Whizzinator to “the competition”. I won’t get into too much detail, but the site gives extensive “technical support”. My favorite quote is this: “Try positioning the belt so that the end of the prosthesis hangs to the end of your own penis. That will make it much easier to find. Our clip valve, which releases the urine can make a slight snap sound when it is opened. Try disguising the sound by clearing your throat or coughing as you open it.”
Christ.
Onterrio Smith likes getting high. A lot of people in the NFL do I’m sure, but man, what could this guy be thinking? If you play in the NFL and you know that they do random tests, and you still can’t stay clean then you don’t need the Whizzinator, you need rehab. I’d like to think that this is a cry for help, that Onterrio Smith wanted to get caught and rather than have a Whizzinator at his cousins place he traveled with one like some kind of red beacon that says “notice me”. I’d like to believe that, but I don’t. Sometimes it’s a simple as a dumb kid doing dumb things and trying to get away with it.
With a rubber penis of all things.
If you have not heard the story, it goes like this. On April 21st, Onterrio Smith was flying out of the Minneapolis – St. Paul airport when something tripped the security screen. It turned out that the offending item was an innocuous tube of toothpaste, however the search by airport security turned up some interesting items: 7 small bags of white powder, and a prosthetic penis to name a few.
Security ran tests on the powder but could not determine exactly what they were looking at, so they questioned Onterrio who finally confessed. The white powder was dried synthetic urine, and the penis was part of a drug test evading kit called “The Original Whizzinator”. Now, Onterrio claimed that the kit belonged to his cousin and I believe in giving him the benefit of doubt… even if he’s failed several drug tests, so I decided to check out the kit myself. After all, I have a cousin too.
Whizzinators are available on line at www.whizzinator.com. The site’s home page features a cartoon of a burly construction worker with a cocksure look in his eye peeing into a urinal. A doctor looks on. As the construction worker winks, a balloon appears above the doctors head exclaiming “Next”. Pee splashes from the urinal.
The home page goes on to say that “The WHIZZINATOR© is an easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions! The WHIZZINATOR© is designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time! Used with our organic heat pads, it is GUARANTEED to maintain body temperature for EIGHT HOURS! And our quality production and materials assures you that the WHIZZINATOR© will let it flow, again and again, anytime, anywhere you need it!“
With a sales pitch like this, I had to click on the product link. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were several models to choose from: White, Tan, Latino, Brown and Black. Sadly, there was only one size: cold. The pictures showed the proper way to wear the device, and also compared the Whizzinator to “the competition”. I won’t get into too much detail, but the site gives extensive “technical support”. My favorite quote is this: “Try positioning the belt so that the end of the prosthesis hangs to the end of your own penis. That will make it much easier to find. Our clip valve, which releases the urine can make a slight snap sound when it is opened. Try disguising the sound by clearing your throat or coughing as you open it.”
Christ.
Onterrio Smith likes getting high. A lot of people in the NFL do I’m sure, but man, what could this guy be thinking? If you play in the NFL and you know that they do random tests, and you still can’t stay clean then you don’t need the Whizzinator, you need rehab. I’d like to think that this is a cry for help, that Onterrio Smith wanted to get caught and rather than have a Whizzinator at his cousins place he traveled with one like some kind of red beacon that says “notice me”. I’d like to believe that, but I don’t. Sometimes it’s a simple as a dumb kid doing dumb things and trying to get away with it.
With a rubber penis of all things.
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