Mr. Whizzard

Now and then from time to time a story comes along that is so absolutely bizarre, upon hearing the story I am left speechless, unable to add any additional humor or commentary beyond the simple “here it is”. Such was the case today when I heard the story of Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, who some from this day forward will refer to as “The Whizzinator”. I prefer the more subtle "Mr. Whizzard".

If you have not heard the story, it goes like this. On April 21st, Onterrio Smith was flying out of the Minneapolis – St. Paul airport when something tripped the security screen. It turned out that the offending item was an innocuous tube of toothpaste, however the search by airport security turned up some interesting items: 7 small bags of white powder, and a prosthetic penis to name a few.

Security ran tests on the powder but could not determine exactly what they were looking at, so they questioned Onterrio who finally confessed. The white powder was dried synthetic urine, and the penis was part of a drug test evading kit called “The Original Whizzinator”. Now, Onterrio claimed that the kit belonged to his cousin and I believe in giving him the benefit of doubt… even if he’s failed several drug tests, so I decided to check out the kit myself. After all, I have a cousin too.

Whizzinators are available on line at www.whizzinator.com. The site’s home page features a cartoon of a burly construction worker with a cocksure look in his eye peeing into a urinal. A doctor looks on. As the construction worker winks, a balloon appears above the doctors head exclaiming “Next”. Pee splashes from the urinal.

The home page goes on to say that “The WHIZZINATOR© is an easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions! The WHIZZINATOR© is designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time! Used with our organic heat pads, it is GUARANTEED to maintain body temperature for EIGHT HOURS! And our quality production and materials assures you that the WHIZZINATOR© will let it flow, again and again, anytime, anywhere you need it!“

With a sales pitch like this, I had to click on the product link. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were several models to choose from: White, Tan, Latino, Brown and Black. Sadly, there was only one size: cold. The pictures showed the proper way to wear the device, and also compared the Whizzinator to “the competition”. I won’t get into too much detail, but the site gives extensive “technical support”. My favorite quote is this: “Try positioning the belt so that the end of the prosthesis hangs to the end of your own penis. That will make it much easier to find. Our clip valve, which releases the urine can make a slight snap sound when it is opened. Try disguising the sound by clearing your throat or coughing as you open it.”

Christ.

Onterrio Smith likes getting high. A lot of people in the NFL do I’m sure, but man, what could this guy be thinking? If you play in the NFL and you know that they do random tests, and you still can’t stay clean then you don’t need the Whizzinator, you need rehab. I’d like to think that this is a cry for help, that Onterrio Smith wanted to get caught and rather than have a Whizzinator at his cousins place he traveled with one like some kind of red beacon that says “notice me”. I’d like to believe that, but I don’t. Sometimes it’s a simple as a dumb kid doing dumb things and trying to get away with it.

With a rubber penis of all things.