Week 5 Picks (Part One) (and Part Two!!!)

With byes starting last week, we took one too! (Samichlaus may have needed the extra time to recover after what appears to have been his worst week since we started doing this. Ouch.) Anyways, it doesn't seem anyone missed us since we're not getting the usual harassment from Anonymous, who seems to have deserted us.

This just proves what I've suspected all along: Anonymous is a big pussy who crawls under the stairs and hides when his precious Quarterback isn't on TV on Sundays. Typical chowderhead behavior.

Is he back yet?

Last Time:
St. Ides: 7-9
Samichlaus: 4-12

Overall:
St. Ides: 23-24
Samichlaus: 21-26

Tennessee (4-0) at Baltimore (2-1) +2.5
I watched most of the Steelers-Ravens game on Monday night. You know, this Flacco kid may be the best QB the Ravens have had since.... Kyle Boller? Tony Banks? Chris Redman? Trent Dilfer? There we go, Trent Dilfer. Which isn't saying a whole lot, but still. They very well could have beaten the Steelers in Pittsburgh. Anyways, I'm going to continue to ride the Titans momentum until they come crashing down. I like their defense and I like their running game. Though this should be a tough game for them.

Titans 19, Ravens 13.

Boy, was I ever spot on with my analysis of the Titans. These guys have found a way to win every week. I like Baltimore as well, and Joe Flacco has played well beyond his years, but last week Pittsburgh found a way to attack their defense. I’m going to ride with the Titans until they lose

Titans 23 Ravens 20

Atlanta (2-2) at Green Bay (2-2) -6.5
So the Packers have come crashing down to earth with back-to-back losses. And now Rodgers may have an injured shoulder, potentially putting the team in the hands of a rookie. Oh look, there's a rookie QB on the other side of the field too. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Ryan! He's looked pretty good so far, and even the two wins the Falcons have already are more than some people thought they'd have all season. Still, Lambeau should be way too much for him against the Packers (admittedly beaten up) defense.

Packers 23, Falcons 13.

Aaron Rodgers is hurt. Al Harris is out. And the Pack has looked less than ordinary the last two weeks. Rodgers health has always been a concern for Packer fans: every time he’s had a chance to play, he’s been seriously injured. This week won’t be easy for the Pack: I like the Falcons and the points

Green Bay 30 Atlanta 24

Chicago (2-2) at Detroit (0-3) +3.5
Ding, dong, the witch is dead! Or Matt Millen is finally out in Detroit. He was actually out last week, but since the Lions had a bye (and so did we), I'll write about it now. This might just be enough to list the shadow of doom from the franchise. Or it might not. They still have to live with his horrible personnel decisions. Rookie Bears RB Matt Forte has looked mostly good so far this season. He should have a big game.

Bears 23, Lions 10.

Detroit finally put Matt Millen out of his misery, ending one of the most bizarre careers in NFL history. Not since the days of my old boss Paul Mancini has a man with such little talent achieve so much personal success. What an idiot. Anyway, it’s the same crappy Detroit players against a good Bears team. And I keep telling my Chi-town coworkers: all Kyle Orton does in win football games.

Bears 27 Detroit 10

Kansas City (1-3) at Carolina (3-1) -9.5
Okay, someone figure out the Chiefs for me please? Just as me and my colleague talk about how hard it is to beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead, they lay a stinker. Then last week, as I'm sure I would have picked against them in KC against the 3-0 Broncos, they kill them. I'm tempted to take the points because almost 10 is a lot and this smells like a trap game, but I just can't doit.

Panthers 23, Chiefs 9.

That’s a lot of points for Carolina to cover but then again they’re playing Kansas City. On the positive side for KC, Larry Johnson had a good week last week. That’s it. Carolina continues to play well, and my earlier reported demise of John Fox as a good coach was clearly erroneous.

Carolina 24 Kansas City 7

Indianapolis (1-2) at Houston (0-3) +3.5
The Texans are better than 0-3. And the Colts are better than 1-2. Houston usually plays Indy tough, so I'll take the home dog. Colts 27, Texans 24.

Coming off a needed bye, the Colts travel to Houston for some well deserved R&R. They are relatively healthy and rested. This is all you need to know to handicap this game. The Colts are at least a touchdown better than the Texans. Factor in the 3 points you “get” at home and that’s a 4 point differential.

Colts 34 Houston 30

San Diego (2-2) at Miami (1-2) +6.5
Tomlinson hasn't really gone off yet this year. Maybe this is the week. Phillip Rivers is the #1 Fantasy Football QB at this point. That's pretty wacky. I don't think it lasts, but I also don't think Miami is very good. They're probably just happy to have beaten the Patriots and now they can relax the rest of the season and guarantee Parcells a few more high draft picks to play around with. Chargers 29, Dolphins 13.

The last time I saw Miami play they were kicking the ever living shit out of the Patriots. I mean absolutely pulverizing them. I wrote that New England was going to make that a statement game… more on that in a minute. Realistically I don’t think the Fins have enough to beat the Bolts, but I’ve got a hunch they’ll keep it close

Chargers 30 Miami 27

Washington (3-1) at Philadelphia (2-2) -5.5
How about that NFC East! The Skins actually looked pretty awesome against the Cowboys. But McNabb looks rejuvenated, and Westbrook should be back after missing the last game. The Skins are due for a stinker on the road.

Eagles 27, Skins 20.

Jim Zorn is starting to make a believer out of me. Here’s a guy who has an obvious and exponential learning curve, and because of this the Redskins are a different team than the one we saw in week one. What they did to the Cowboys last week was brilliant. The Eagles? They still have Westbrook and McNair, and McNair looks better than he has in a long time. The Eagles win a close one…

Eagles 30 Skins 27

Seattle (1-2) at NY Giants (3-0) -7.5
Speaking of the NFC East... Little known fact: Seattle is 8-0 in their last 8 games against the NFC East. Including 3-0 in the playoffs (2 against the Skins, 1 against the Cowboys.) Deion Branch and Bobby Engram should both be back for this game. The Giants 3 wins are against the Skins (who looked shell-shocked in the Thursday night opener), the Rams (0-4), and the Bungals (0-4). Seattle has been awful on the East Coast lately, and their secondary has been shaky. Though the Giants will be without Plaxico Burress for this one. I'm tempted to say Seattle will shock everyone and win this game outright, but I know better. Oh, and I'll be at this game. The third Seahawks-Giants game I'll be attending since my friend Dar got season tickets about 7 years ago. The Seahawks are 0-2 in those games. I'm looking at 0-3, and a Seahawks 1-3 hole that will have people writing then off for the year.

Giants 26, Seahawks 17.

If only we had a way to blog live from this game. St. Ides pointed out in week one that Seattle has issues with East Coast teams anb 1:00 starts, but with the walking wounded returning to the lineup I am not counting them out. Matt Hassleback might faint from the excitement of getting his top receivers back in the mix, and that's going to be enough to keep this under a touchdown.

Giants 20 Seattle 17

Tampa Bay (3-1) at Denver (3-1) -3.5
Denver has to be embarassed after losing to the Chiefs. The Bucs are riding high after knocking off the Packers. I'll take the Broncos.

Broncos 27, Bucs 20.

The question I have to ask is how did Denver lose to KC? That might have been a little Arrowhead magic returning to Kansas City. Denver heads home and we know how much I like them at home. The Bucs beat the Packers on turnovers, and Denver isn't going to turn the ball over like Green Bay did.

Broncos 24 Bucs 20

New England (2-1) at San Francisco (2-2) +3.5
Welcome to the NFL, J.T. O'Sullivan. The Patriots do a lot of traveling this season, playing both the AFC West and NFC West. I'll be pretty surprised if they haven't been able to cook up a winning plan for the Niners during their bye week.

Patriots 23, Niners 17.

New England had a statement game against the Dolphins, but they didn't make the statement I thought they would. It was more of a "you've seen our QB for a week, now have at him. We've got nothing". I wonder if San Francisco can do to Cassel what Miami did? Chances are the Patriots will show up with their game faces on. Time to revise that statement.

New England 31 San Francisco 13

Cincinnati (0-4) at Dallas (3-1) -14.5
Wow, that's a lot of points to give. Who do they think the Cowboys are, the 07 Pats? I'm glad it only took 4 weeks for the Cowboys to be exposed as overrated. They're not a 2 TD favorite over anybody. Their defense just isn't good enough.

Cowboys 27, Bengals 16.

Dallas at home against a really bad team. I don't think 2 TDs are nearly enough. Are the Cowboys overrated? Of course they are. Listening to Cowboy nation is worse than listening to Fox news pining over Sarah Palin. But the truth is they're a good football team, and I'm not just saying that because I'm so totally their bitch after they whupped the Pack

Cowboys 37 Bengals 17

Buffalo (4-0) at Arizona (2-2) -0.5
The Bills actually struggled a little bit against the Rams. But the Rams were playing for their coach's life. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner seems to have reverted to the ' "Lay A Finger On Him And He Coughs Up The Ball" jittery old man we've come to know the past few years. The Cardinals need to win home games like this if they really expect to challenge for the abyssmal NFC West.

Bills 23, Cardinals 20.

I can't fathom the Bills going to 5-0. They're heading to a very warm climate against a decent football team, and I think that's all its going to take to stop them. Samichlaus heard that Sage Rosenfels has Kurt Warner's ear, and Kurt may be converting to Judism. Ok, I made that up. But if it did happen and Arizona won a Super Bowl, would Warner scream out "THANK YOU MOSES!"?

Cardinals 24 Bills 20

Pittsburgh (3-1) at Jacksonville (2-2) -3.5
The Steelers are just way too beaten up. They're down to the 4th string RB (there's been a Dookie sighting, as he was resigned this week amid all the injuries!), Big Ben has a bum shoulder, they have injuries on both lines.. I don't trust the Jags at all, but I think a physical Monday night OT game against the Ravens mean a let-down game for the Steelers.

Jaguars 19, Steelers 10.

The Samichlaus household was thrilled to hear that "The Dump Truck" was signed to a contract to play in Pittsburgh. Sorry hon, that's what they call him in Pittsburgh. We'll always be big Najeh Davenport fans here, he was my wife's favorite player. We saw his last regular season game in Green Bay when after scoring two TDs he broke his ankle, never to return. Meanwhile I think St. Ides is dead on. Pittsburgh is hurting bad and Big Ben is questionable. No QB and no RB equals no points.

Jacksonville 23 Pittsburgh 17

Minnesota (1-3) at New Orleans (2-2) -3.5
Drew Brees has quietly been lights out so far this season. Despite losing Marques Colston and Jeremy Shockey, he's on pace to shatter Dan Marino's single-season passing yardage record. That should continue this week, as the Vikes are solid against the run, but vulnerable in the air. Talk about a team not living up to the pre-season hype, the Vikings are staring at 1-4, and they can't even blame it on injuries. What they can blame it on is poor coaching and a horrible decision to stick with Tavaris Jackson at QB.

Saints 26, Vikings 13.

The Vikings are pathetic. Thank God they play in the NFC North: between them and Detroit that's at least 3 wins for the Pack. I have to say I didn't realize how well Brees has been playing, but if you've got him in your fantasy league then play him. Samichlaus's crystal ball says Brad Childress is the next coach to go....

Saints 30 Vikings 17