Week 7 Picks

Time for another week or prophesizing prophecies!

The score so far:

Last Week -
Samichlaus: 8-6
St. Ides: 7-7

Overall -
Samichlaus: 46-41
St. Ides: 34-53

On to the picks...

Detroit +2.5 over CLEVELAND
Joey Harrington, bench. Bench, Joey Harrington. You two get acquainted because Jeff "Light In The Loafers" Garcia is back from his broken leg, and he's been taking half the snaps with the starting offense this week. I think he starts, and sparks the Lions to the win. Lions 23, Browns 20.

Earlier this week after taking several snaps under center, Jeff Garcia reported being a little stiff. Afterwards when asked if he was ever afraid to blow a lead, Garcia responded “I don’t know, who does he play for?” Garcia remains the only football player to have a plaque at the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. The plaque, erected in 2002 pays homage to Garcia’s single season record for taking foul balls in the face. Cleveland 23 – Detroit 17 in the Samichlaus stinker of the week.

Green Bay +0.5 over MINNESOTA
The Vikings are an absolute train wreck. No way Tice makes it through the season. No frickin way. And this might be his last shot. In a home game against a struggling Packers team, the Vikings need to win this divisional game to save the coach's job. But do they care? Do the players want Tice gone? Maybe. In any case, the Packers suddenly found their offense when the Samichlaus clan descended (or is it ascended, since it's so far north?) upon Lambeau two weeks ago. Ahman Green is back healthy again too, which should help. Packers 31, Vikings 20.

I think the odds makers are right. As shitty as the Viking are (and friends, this is a shitdiggity shitty team) they always play Green Bay tough as nails. The addition of ex Packer Darren Sharper to the Vikings along with Mike Sherman’s simplification of the offense will make this game close. Green Bay 24 – Cock Suckers 20

HOUSTON +14.5 over Indy
These damn Colts and their huge spreads are killing me every week. Last week they spotted the Rams a 17-0 2nd quarter lead (make it 30 and a half with the 13.5 spread), and still roared back to cover rather easily. Ugh. Seattle pounded Houston last week, and it's getting downright ugly. But they have to win a game, or at least get a few lucky bounces and keep it close sometime this season, right? I'll probably hate myself for this, but that extra half point is the difference maker. Colts 27, Texans 13.

I know Indy is good, but I agree: how long can this trend keep up? I call on the paternal wisdom of Papa St. Ides and throw caution to the wind… I’m taking the home dog. Colts 20 – Texans 17

Chiefs +2.5 over MIAMI
This game has been moved up to Friday night because of the hurricane in the area. That's probably an advantage for the Dolphins, since it likely throws off the Chiefs travel plans a bit. Still, the Dolphins have overachieved a bit, and the Chiefs have dropped back to earth after a nice start. I still think the Chiefs have enough talent to win the AFC West. And their defense is much improved over past seasons. Chiefs 23, Dolphins 17.

The Chiefs are getting 2.5? Here we go again. They didn’t play on Monday night, did they? Man this sucks. I’m on an Amtrak somewhere north of Fredericksburg. I have no Internet access so I can’t look up any stats. I’m friggin winging all of these picks. Of course I shouldn’t complain. I have the nicest computer the Feds give out and all my co-workers are jealous. Ha! Wait until they see my penis! Oh, looks like we’re pulling into Fredericksburg. Only another hour to go. SBS fans rejoice, Samichlaus has plenty of time to write! As far as the game is concerned, I’m going to take Miami. I think that Mr. Saban will have Mr. Ricky and Co. ready to go. Miami 24 KC 17

RAMS -0.5 over New Orleans
The spread really should be more than this with the Rams at home. But with Marc Bulger out, career backup Jamie Martin gets the start at QB. That should mean a steady dose of Steven Jackson being rammed (pun intended) down the Saints throat. Have you seen this dude play yet? He's built like a tight end and runs like a wideout. He can be scary good. But of course with Martz, the Rams are totally pass wacky most games. Not with Bulger out. The spread should be more like 3 or 4 at least, even with Bulger out. Rams 33, Saints 27.

No, I haven’t seen him play!! He’s that good, huh? Oh wait, sorry. We’re not having a private conversation. My bad. The Saints have been on again off again fairly consistently this season. Last week they were on, this week they’re scheduled to be off. On the other hand, how can you have any confidence in a guy who goes by “Jamie”? That’s a chicks name. There are some names grown men should not use. It’s James, ass wipe. Grow the fuck up. And while you’re at it, fetch me Timmy Chang’s number. Someone has to straighten that kid out. You ever meet a chick that goes with a guy’s name? It’s all cute at first. “Hi! I’m Sam” or “Hey, I’m Nicki!” or “Hey, I’d like you to meet my friend Fred” (I actually dated a girl whose middle name was Frederica and went by Fred) Yep, all cute until you start having sex with ‘em. Then you’re put into the uncomfortable position of shooting your load while screaming “Oh Fred, oh Fred”. That shit can fuck with your head for years. Fred and I never had sex. We dated but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. Rams 27 Saints 10

Pittsburgh +0.5 over CINCI
Are the Bengals for real? I think so. But they are still relatively young. And despite with Boomer Esiason might say, Carson Palmer will still hit some bumps in the road as he matures. This is one of those bumps. A divisional game against a tough D, should be pretty close, but I think the Steelers pull it out. Steelers 24, Bengals 23.

It took you until week six to call me on that? Kudos. I like the Steelers in this game as well. Big Ben’s healthy, right? Assuming he is I think the Steelers romp. If he isn’t, then Tommy Maddox is a viable alternative. Tommy. Hmm… add that one to the list. Pittsburgh 27 - Bengals 17

San Diego +4.5 over PHILLY
You may or may not know by now, but Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson has been going by the nickname "LT". Anybody who has followed football through the 80s knows the original "LT", of course, is Lawrence Taylor, one of the most feared linebackers to ever play the game. One of the writers on these "experts" websites complained about Tomlinson not having an original nickname. The following week, a correction was printed - apparently Tomlinson asked Taylor for, and received, permission to go by the "LT" moniker. I'm not sure what that means. But here's what I know - this "LT" is frickin unstoppable if given the ball enough. Chargers 28, Eagles 24.

Now that’s some in depth analysis. And let me plug the site just this once: St. Ides and I have real jobs that pay big bucks and consume our time, and still my partner has the time to track down the inside scoop on stuff like this. You ungrateful readers should appreciate us dammit. Send us flowers and shit. Or better, tell all of your friends about SBS and patronize our advertisers. Oh wait, we don’t have any!!! No ads. No annoying popups. No articles lately either but we wont talk about that. Anyway, I basically agree with everything St. Ides said. Plus, if you haven’t noticed it the Eagles are in a decline. I’m sure that half our readers haven’t noticed it because his eyes are all weepy watching the decline of the Patriots.
Chargers 31 Eagles 14

San Fran +12.5 over WASHINGTON
Another one of these huge spreads that I don't know what to do about. The Redskins have been brought back to reality a bit after starting off undefeated, and that narrow escape against Seattle. The Niners traded away their opening day starter Tim Rattay to the Bucs, so it's all in the hands of #1 pick Alex Smith now. The Skins defense ought to give them fits, but will the offense really run up the score that high? Probably. But I just can't give that many points… Redskins 22, Niners 10.

Man, that’s a lot of points. I’m not sure if the Skins are good enough to cover and I’m not sure if the Niners are bad enough not to cover. The easy answer is Alex Smith is nowhere near ready and Joe Gibbs’s defense is pretty darn good. Washington 24 San Fran 7


SEATTLE -3.5 over Dallas
It looks like the most dangerous point of Ken Hamlin's injuries are behind him, as he's been moved out of intensive care into a private room. No word on when or if he'll play again. But I think the Seahawks are finally starting to click. When these two teams played in the pre-season, the Cowboys disrupted the offense by blitzing constantly. After the game, Holmgren pretty much admitted that they don’t "gameplan" for pre-season games, and didn't really expect so many blitzes for a pre-season game. Rookie Cowboy LB Demarcus Ware was all over the place. Mr. Ware, meet Mr. Walter Jones. Who has not allowed a sack since 2002. This is the regular season, Seattle will pick up the blitz, and Drew Bledsoe has to fall to earth someday, right? Seahawks 27, Cowboys 20.

Not much I can add to that. I think Seattle wins outright, but I also think the Cowboys keep it close. This one comes down to a field goal so take the Boys and the points. Seattle 24 – Dallas 20

BEARS -1.5 over Baltimore
Two good defenses. Two bad offenses. I think the Ravens offense is slightly worse, and Chicago is at home. This game gets the "St. Ides Snoozefest of the Week" Award. Bears 16, Ravens 13.

Nice! Yeah, I didn’t see this one on the schedule earlier. Absolutely the “Samichlaus Stinker of the week” hands down. Oh, and I don’t care what it is but take the under. Ravens 17 – em-Bear-asses 10 (Editor's Note: The Over/Under is 30.5)

Buffalo +3.5 over OAKLAND
The Raiders are starting to fall apart. Moss is listed as doubtful, which means he probably won't play. The Kelly Holcomb era in Buffalo is off to a good start. Remember, this Buffalo team got off to a slow start last year too before roaring back and almost making the playoffs. Bills 25, Raiders 16.

Randy plays when he wants to play and he don’t want to play. I think the Bills win it outright as well. Raider nation isn’t what it used to be. Much like Lambeau, the mystique is gone, and teams aren’t afraid to go to Oakland and win. Bills 24 Raiders 17

GIANTS -2.5 over Denver
Every week I say Jake Plummer is due for a bad game. And every week he proves me wrong. I'm going to keep saying it until I'm right, dammit. Plus Denver has overachieved a bit I think, and the Giants need to bounce back from that tough loss to Dallas last week. Giants 27, Broncos 20.

Home cooking sure tastes good in New Jersey. The Giants are a young team with some talent and a head coach who I personally think is terrific (albeit a bit anal retentive). Remember the wisdom of Mike the bartender in regards to Denver: “They suck on the road” Giants 27 Denver 17

ARIZONA -3.5 over Tennessee
I'm enjoying watching the trendy choice Cardinals struggle. Not just because I hate the "experts", not just because they're in the same division as Seattle, but also because Chike Okeafor left Seattle for Arizona and bad-mouthed the team, saying it didn't have the right winning attitude and some other doodoo. Uhhhh, Chike. When was the last time the Cardinals even had a winning season? Enjoy! Actually, we don't know who'll be playing QB this week, McCown or Warner. Either way, the Titans should be just bad enough to lose on the road. Cardinals 24, Titans 13.

Chike. Good heavens. I’m so done with Tennessee. Every time I pick them they lose and every time I go against them they win. I’m going to do St. Ides a favor: Arizona 27 Titans 14

ATLANTA -7.5 over Jets
Jets suck. Falcons 27, Jets 10.

How is Vick’s herpes infested penis these days? I think the Jets keep it surprisingly close, but Atlanta wins. I’m taking the Jets and the points.
Vicks Herpes Infested Penis 27 Just Exclaim Testeverde Sucks 24