The absolute worst quarterback in the NFL.

First of all, I want to apologize to my wife for Sunday. Specifically I want to apologize for doing none of the chores I promised to do, and then for not going food shopping with her. Honey, I apologize. I would like to make it up to you by taking you on an all expense paid trip to Baltimore on Monday, December 19th. We’ll talk.

There have been some bad quarterbacks in the NFL. Many have played for the Packers. When ol’ Samichlaus was growing up he suffered through the likes of Rich Campbell, Scott Hunter, Carlos Brown and the great David Whitehurst. But the worst most over rated over hyped bad quarterback I’ve ever seen is without question Virginia Tech’s favorite son, the one and only herpes infested Michael Vick.


Vick is the “Nuke LaLouche” of professional football. He’s got a cannon for an arm but the poor sonofabitch is dumb as a tree. So I decided that the true path to wisdom regarding Michael Vick can be found by reading from the musings of Kevin Costner’s Crash Davis. In fact, it was Crash who once described Nuke by saying “he’s got a million dollar arm with a five cent brain”. Yep, that’s Vick. This should come as no surprise. The NFL is historically full of strong armed idiots. Just spend a few minutes with Jeff George and Browning Nagle if you don’t believe me. I saw Vick stand on the 45 yard line and proceed to throw the ball clear out of the end zone. But Vick’s an absolute idiot. Once when speaking about his talents he had this to say: “I have two things going for me: my brain, my arm and my legs.”

Vick’s strong arm is useless without a modicum of accuracy, and teams are starting to figure it out. Yesterday the Packers played a soft cover 2 and let Vick throw.

And he couldn’t.

He consistently missed open receivers, overthrowing most of them. Crash, you have something to add? “Yeah. From what I hear, he couldn't hit water if he fell out of a fucking boat”. But not only couldn’t he throw, Vick couldn’t run either. He rushed 7 times for a whopping 24 yards. He was harassed by Nick Barnett who had a career game. He was crushed by Al Harris on several occasions. When Colin Cole hit him cleanly on an open field tackle he came up yelling, for what I still do not know. When he tried to scramble out of the pocket on one particular play, my wife observed, “He runs like a scared schoolgirl”. Her words, not mine.

I suspected that Vick’s performance must have been affected by an outbreak of genital herpes so I decided to look up what one can expect during an outbreak. Here’s what I read: “Symptoms of herpes are called outbreaks. The first outbreak appears within 2 weeks after you become infected and can last for several weeks. These symptoms might include tingling or sores near the area where the virus has entered the body, such as on the genital or rectal area, on buttocks or thighs, or occasionally on other parts of the body where the virus has entered through broken skin. They also can occur in the urinary passage of men. Small red bumps appear first, develop into small blisters, and then become itchy, painful sores that might develop a crust and will heal without leaving a scar. Sometimes, there is a crack or raw area or some redness without pain, itching, or tingling. Other symptoms that may accompany the first (and less often future) outbreak of genital herpes are fever, headache, muscle aches, painful or difficult urination, vaginal discharge, and swollen glands in the groin area.”
I decided to consult Crash Davis one last time before I called it a night. Crash had this to say: “You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.”

Ouch. That’s gotta burn like a motherfucker.