Men, their bathroom escapades, and training camp

The first part of this blog has nothing to do with football. While combing through last month’s email putting together my monthly status report, I came upon this litte biscuit that I sent to my cousin. I really can’t explain why as I hurtle towards my 43rd year this stuff still makes me laugh. Hysterically. As in I was starting to get funny looks at the office. But it does, and I suspect our male readers will agree. Here’s the first paragraph:


Hey Dude,

I haven’t heard from you in so long, I thought I’d write. Things are going really well lately, though it’s been hot as hell down here. Every day it gets into the upper 90’s and every night there’s a Wizard of Oz storm that cools things off to the mid 90’s. Gotta love the South. What really prompted this email though was the shit I just took. Since becoming a Weight Watcher 13 weeks ago, my shits have become these big, wide, O-ring busting boulders that leave me prostate on the can after I finally squeeze them out. In fact, I hadn’t taken a shit since Wednesday morning. That’s got to be a family record of some sort, at least in the men’s division. I remember Anne had an issue once where she didn’t go for something like 12 days but I digress. Anyway, last night I took some Metamucil to try to loosen things up, but all it did was create a whole lot more bulk, so when I finally did poop it was like passing a fuckin football. Christ almighty.

In case you’re wondering, my cousin appreciated the email. Here’s a small edited sample…

LOL. This is great. I love emails about shits!

The shits are tough on the low carb diet. I would go 2-4 days without a shit. It's unreal. But it's not an uncomfortable 2-4 days, and when the shit finally comes it's like a bonus.

Hey, does Metamucil give you the farts?

The discussion carried on for a few more emails but I’ll spare you the details. I suspect this is all our fans care to know about Samichlaus’s adventurous anus. Well, Packer training camp is open and in full swing! The only starter not in camp is Bubba Franks, who has not signed a contract. Franks’s contract expired last year, so the Packers designated him a “transition” player and offered him a one year deal.

A little tutorial on NFL contracts. Teams can designate one player per year either a “franchise player” or a “transition player”. These are sort of insurance policies for the team. There are several subcategories of each, but here’s the easiest definition: a franchise player must be paid a salary equal to the average of the 5 highest salaries for his position, while a transition player is paid a salary equal to the average of the 10 highest salaries for his position. If another team makes and offer to a transition player, the team has the right to match the offer. It's a little more complicated with Franchise players but you get the gist.

Bubba’s one year deal is for about 2.1 million, but he’s looking for a multi year offer in the 3 – 4 million a year range. The Packers aren’t biting, and are playing hardball. Essentially, Franks is a good Tight End. He’s a great blocker and pretty much catches everything thrown near him. He’s not very fast, but he’s deceptively quick. Is he one of the top 5 Tight Ends in the league? I think so, but I’m an old school kind of guy. The “modern” Tight End is smaller and faster than Franks. He is a deep threat and can stretch defenses. But he doesn’t block the run like Bubba, and he doesn’t have Bubba’s soft hands.

Franks is also a team leader. He’s never missed a start in 80 games. He keeps himself in top condition, and works hard to improve his game. He’s a great example to the younger players. The Packers need Bubba Franks in camp and soon. In fact Brett Farve said as much this week. They better stop messing around and get this done.

The reports out of camp have been encouraging. Yesterday I watched an interview with Defensive Coordinator Jim Bates and by the time he was done I was convinced that I should draft the Packer Defense in my fantasy league. You know ol’ Samichlaus is crazy enough to do it too. There have been several defensive standouts so far, including Nick Collins (the Bethune-Cookman all star) and Roy Manning (the undrafted free agent from, hwat's that small school program again? Oh yeah, Michigan). Bates even had high praise for super stoner Cletidus Hunt, who decided to show up after missing the two mini-camps.

The Offense has yet to show much, mostly due to Favre’s rustiness. Coaches are singing the praises of second round pick Terence Murphy, who has shown speed, good hands, and maturity. Also, Karen’s main man Najeh Davenport showed up weighing a trim 243 lbs after losing 22 lbs on the Jenny Craig plan. Davenport had hired a nutritionist and had worked to lose weight but was not having success. In desperation, he literally wandered in to the Jenny Craig office on South Onedia St across from Lambeau field. The staff member who worked with him had no idea who he was. Davenport reported that she asked him if he ran, to which he replied “I try”.

TV Viewing Update: The NFL network will be broadcasting “Family Night” from Lambeau Field this Friday at 8:00 EDT. This years Family Night features a scrimmage with the Buffalo Bills. Next Thursday, August 11th, the Packers kick off their preseason schedule with an 8:00 game against the San Diego Charges. ESPN will carry the game live.