A Loving Tribute to Anonymous

"OK, two things. You thank all these "new readers" blah blah blah blah, but you fail to mention your ONE and only true fan on this site, who probably writes as much as you responding to every fricking column posted, regularly visiting the site 10+ times a day!so thanks for fucking NOTHING!"

Anonymous

As I read these comments this evening, I had a Terry Bradshaw moment. My eyes welled with tears. My lower lip quivered. I was headed hard and fast towards a complete Dick Vermeil because I knew the words were right on. Anonymous had called me out, and I had no defense. My lifes work sat like a Bob Slowik defense: a quivering mass of month old jello.

The time for this column is long overdue. To our fans and readers, I ask that you indulge me. To my beautiful Mrs. Samichlaus, I ask that for a moment you stand to the side and give my man his props. This, yes this, is my loving tribute to the great one "el grande nihil": Anonymous.

Anonymous came into my life on January 20th 2005. SBS was in it's infancy and frankly St. Ides and I had not yet hit stride. But Anonyomus was there, reading dilligently and encouraging us. "As always excellent" he wrote that very first time, "Everyone is agreed on the Pats, but the NFC is another thing altogether. I have to agree with Philly pick, as I think the snow will eliminate the human highlight reel, in fact it will force him to throw the ball to win (think elway arm, fielder accuracy)....it aint happening"

It's commentary like this that quickly defined Anonymous's style: quick wit and an incredible depth of insight into the sporting world.

He continued to post throughout January and February, laying down such classics as "The Dolphins are always ranked in the top 10 in defense, and the players definitely responded to him the last half of the season, so it could be a good thing." and "Sometimes bringing in a fresh perspective is exactly what the players need, something to keep them on their toes, or at least prove/tryout for their positions again, no complacency".

Wow.

But it wasn't until his third post that Anonymous became the quality guardian of SBS. "Allright its GroundHog Day already, and no one's posted anything since the 27th of Jan" When I read that comment, a tinge of guilt crept over me. Anonymous continued: "I fear I not only will have the 2 week wait for the Superbowl, but also a 2 week wait before someone posts a BLOG!! Doens't Blog mean to continuously update columns...you two are bloggin like your 100 years old! Come on, entertain me...starting blogging. TO is such a frickin tool its ridiculous." He finished with this dead on balls prediction: "And now for the FIRST Anonymous post Superbowl Prediction: Patriots 34 Eagles 13. The Pats in a romp"

Not only was Anonymous keeping the Steves honest, he was also challenging the experts at their own game. What a guy.

Anonymous contiued to post throughout February but then he fell silent. The blog suffered. St. Ides and I tried valiantly to keep up the banter, but there was no denying that the entertainment level had decreased significantly without the presense of out number one non spousal reader. We were sinking fast.

On a hot August day in 2005, Anonymous returned to SBS with guns a blazin'. "Ahhh yes, its August and with that comes the optimism that your team will be holding mr Lombardi...Ahh, if we all could be Pats fans, what a world it would be..". He was back, and I was thrilled. "...and let me be the first to welcome back our other reader and my personal favorite Pats fan, Anonymous. Also let me be the first to offer you congratulations on the Super Bowl victory in Detroit. Christ, enough already." On and on I shamlessly gushed.

This season has been Anonymous's penultimate. Who could forget his now classic admonsihing of the great Juicy Fruiter: "That might have been the WORST blog I have ever seen...thanks JF for not only causing me to click your link, but making me stupider in the process." Who amongst us didn't share his anguish when his beloved Patroits were eliminated from the playoffs: "Fuck everyone! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Did I mention FUCK! not used.....tooo...LOSING! FUCK the broncos were a bunch of chumps and FUCKING GAVE them the game, we should been hosting the FUCKING Steelers. FUCK!!!!
I hate everyone, but will be rooting for the seahawks - but boy, Carolina is gonna be tough - best defense is kill steve smith Did I mention FUCK...this sucks donkey ass"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

But Anonymous isn't just about sports. He has also shared his insights into fatherhood when he spun this tale of potty training: "Wow - i missed alot. I took some time off from the computer and just about everything. Decided to give potty training to my son the ol college try - boy does that suck balls. My house turned into a kitty litter. you'd think you'd be pretty upset about hanging out in soiled & saturated underpants..but NOOOOOO, apparently, it can be very comfortable when the potty is the devil."

Don't worry fans, SBS isn't becomming a "Lifetime" blog. Anonymous wouldn't have it.

One final thought: many months ago I paid Anonymous the ultimate complement. I imagine he has forgotten my words, so I'd like to remind everyone: "Let me guess, you're a Pats fan? I don't know much about you, but assuming I'm right, you're a fan of one of the best NFL teams ever, and you have a wife that watches football with you. Nice. God probably gave you a big dick while he was at it."

Here's to Anonymous. A loyal reader, a smart and funny man with an enormous penis.

We love you man