As a Packer fan I have to say I was initially surprised at the choices, but upon further review the absolute brilliance of these choices are revealed. Let’s break it down in this Samichlaus exclusive:
Wallace: One Mean Mofo
Fester: What the fuck?
Marsellus Wallace: Linebackers coach.
Wallace has a killer reputation. He brings an organized, disciplined and “tough guy” approach to coaching. He is experienced and successful at his job, and has consistently improved his linebackers abilities to steal the ball, a glaring weakness under the previous linebacker coach. When asked about the current group of linebackers in Green Bay, Marsellus replied “We’re pretty fucking far from okay”. Marsellus also believes in playing younger players such as Nick Barnett and Robert Thomas. “You see, this profession is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers”, said Marsellus, “Motherfuckers who thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't.” He also suggested that Ted Thompson should draft more aggressive players “What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' (epitaph deleted), who'll go to work on the homes (opposing players) here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? (editors note: he was probably addressing Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reporter Cliff Cristl) I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get (linebackers who will go) medieval on your ass.” When asked how he might persuade Thompson on personnel, Wallace suggested that he would consult with former Packers G.M. Ron Wolf: “I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill them out and wait for the Wolf who should be coming directly”
Uncle Fester: Special Teams Coach
Not since the days of Fritz Shurmer have the Packers had a more creative coach than Uncle Fester. Fester is known for his unusual formations and trick plays, an ideal candidate for the Packers anemic special teams. Although considered too old in some coaching circles, Fester (who is reportedly several hundred years old) brings a wealth of experience to a young undisciplined team. I fully expect fester to bring his wizardry to Green Bay and to work his magic on an otherwise pedestrian group. Sadly though, I was unable to find any quotes from the reclusive Fester who is undoubtedly concocting special teams plays in his basement as we speak
In other Packer News, head coach Mike McCarthy has agreed to relinquish his role as “Mr. Cellophane” on the touring version of the Broadway musical “Chicago” to devote his full time and energy to coach the Green Bay Packers.
Packers Coach Mike McCarthy as "Mr. Cellophane"
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