The Five Stages of Football Death

Last year right around this time of the season the Packers were at 1 - 3 heading into a Monday Night Game against the Tennessee Titans. It was a game they would eventually lose 48 - 27 pushing them to a 1 - 4 record. Their defense had been abominable, and many (including Ol' Samichlaus) had pretty much written off the season. It was in that spirit that I wrote the following missive. Normally I am not such an egotist as to post retread material but this piece seems as relevant now as it did then. After all, the Packers are headed into a Monday night showdown with another Southern team, and are equally if not more desperate than last season. So without further adieu, I present "The Five Stages of Football Death"

I know, I know “It ain't over till it’s over ” or at least until Mike Sherman decides that yes, “I can’t handle the two jobs, so I’d like to introduce the new head coach of the Green Bay Packers, Bob Slowik” . But last night, something happened that got me thinking, something profound and awful at the same time. Last night while conversing with my father in law, who is a huge Dolphins fan, I found myself having the dreaded "High draft pick" conversation. I can’t tell you how it started, or how I got there, but it actually felt good. There I was talking about “drafting a stud D-lineman” while listening to Dad go on about “a new Quarterback”. I felt a sense of calm that I had not felt since, well, week one Tuesday morning.

I had no idea how quickly stage five can sneak up on someone. You do know what I’m talking about, right? Stage 5? Of course, I’m referring to Elizabeth Kubler - Ross's lesser know work "5 Stages of Football death". What really amazed me was how after careful analysis I realized how I have experienced each and every stage. Maybe some of you have too. Maybe you haven’t quite understood what you’ve been going through, so I offer this up in this public forum not only as public service to all Packer fans, but as an apology to my beautiful wife Karen who by solemn vow has sworn to stay with me through good times and bad. Honey, for my recent lack of enthusiasm, morose attitude and overall not nice-ness, I apologize and hope that this forum will put into intellectual terms that your brilliant mind can understand the severity of the recent trauma I have gone through….

The Five Stages of Football Death

1: (Week 2) Denial and Isolation: "This is not happening to the Packers. That Bears game was an anomaly. You saw them against the Cats. Hey, a few plays here and there, and it's a different game. Lovie had ‘em fired up. The coaches will pull them together, you’ll see. Slowik’s a genius. They're going to shock the world against the Colts"

2: (Week 3) Anger: “*#($(#))$%ing defense. What the *&#^ is Slowik thinking? *(#&$ing blitz blitz blitz against Manning? How &*%#$)*&^@ing open did we leave their receivers? Manning ain’t all that. Filthy overpaid *$#)*&^%ers. How much am I paying for DirecTV? I wait all week for this game and these *$&^@%)!&$ers don't bother to show. Do they expect Favre to carry the weight of this &@^#ing team in his @*$$&#( @&$$sack? Karen? Karen honey? Sweetie, where are you going???" <<>>

3: (Week 4) Bargaining: "OK, we got the Giants at home next week. The Giants haven’t won here since 1971! If we can just beat them we get to 2 - 2 and maybe we can put a streak together.." (Later that week) "OK, Favre's hurt, but he just threw a TD pass!!! Yes!!!! If he can only get back into the game, we'll have a shot! Please God, let Favre get back in!! Remember that fire truck you never got me when I was six? Here’s your big chance!!! ... look, I'll pray, OK? Our Favre who art in Lambeau, hallowed be thy arm...."

4: (Week 5) Depression: "Man, I'm depressed. Even the adult sites haven't helped. I could use a drink, but I'm too sick. Besides every where I go the sports bars remind me of my beloved Packers (fights back tears) Maybe I’ll get some Nyquil, just like when I was 15. Why did I spend the $40.00 on Packer Plus Premium? Hmm… Cliff Christl is a funny looking guy…”

5: (Last night) Acceptance: "So Dad, you think the Fins take that QB everyone’s talking about? ....no, I don't know if he Jewish, what difference does that make?.... well, I guess I never really though about it, yeah Dartmouth is an Ivy League school.….. I guess since the Packers will probably have a top 5 I think they should go D lineman or best D player available..... Sunday? No they're playing Monday Night.... Nahh, probably not. The Botanical Gardens are open late for the fall zinnia festival and I thought I'd take Karen there just before kickoff"